May We Be of Service?
or,
'Eikh 'omerim be`Ivrit "Hot dammit, y'all?"

Warning--heavy satire ahead!



The news from the Holy Land has been a rain of blood for over two years now. The "palestinian state" which the Arabs were about to receive from former Prime Minister Baraq disintegrated overnight when the intifada began, exactly as its alleged "goal" was about to be handed to its planners on a silver platter.  And if anyone is able to do anything about it, no one is willing.

Now perhaps a solution can be found if we look at liberal Jewish leaders who are so insistent about rejecting the support of Biblical Fundamentalists for Israel.  According to these worthies Judaism is so lily pure, so clean of any blood or violence in its history, so unlike what naive literalists assume about the Jews from reading the Book of Joshua, that any association with such Bible-thumpers would sully Judaism's nobility.  Apparently these "leaders" have Bibles devoid of the books of Joshua through Kings or they insist that when interpreted correctly Joshua, Gideon, David, and company come across as a bunch of puffs.  Whatever.

Anyway, the idea has occurred to me that even if Judaism really is "liberal" and has never been able to lift a finger to harm a hair on a Canaanite's sweet little head, that perhaps even boorish Bible-thumpers could still serve the interests of the "liberal" Jewish people in the Holy Land--excuse me, the "social justice land."  Since Judaism is a liberal tradition (according to Jewish liberals), then let them lease out the nasty work that requires nose-picking Bible-thumpers.  In other words, if acting like Joshua is too "redneck" and "un-Jewish," then let the "rednecks" do the dirty work.  After all, their silly naive belief that Judaism has something to do with G-d and the Bible, if it interferes with the self-image of Jewish liberals, is precisely what Jews in Israel need.

Naive "Bible-thumpers" who think that the ancient Israelites were something other than class-action attorneys could be imported into Israel for the duration.  Jews, who (according to Jewish liberals) can't even act like Joshua's shadow without "betraying their heritage," can take a powder while these naive neanderthals cleanse the land of its anti-Semites in the belief that they are helping to bring about the Kingdom of G-d.  We know that Southern Baptists, Pentecostals, and little old ladies who go to gospel singings will quite brutally massacre everyone in the country who isn't "like them" and hang them on lamp posts, since Jewish liberals assure us that this is what they do in the American Heartland.  Nasty business and certainly nothing that ultra-pluralist Mattityahu HaChashmona'i would do (being as he was so dedicated to "tolerance" that he once hacked the head off an "intolerant" fellow-countryman, thus launching the great Maccabeean war for "religious liberty"), but regrettably necessary.  Sure, the true "Jewish heritage" consists of importing Vietnamese workers by the hundreds and giving the vote to Arab women.  But it won't be the children of Pinechas (another ultra-tolerant, liberal guy) who are doing the dirty work but the "Bible-thumpers," the most unregenerate and un-Jewish people on the universe.  And not only will they take care of the Arabs (moslem and chr*stian), but they will be so hopped up on Hal Lindsay and Tim LaHaye [insert instinctive shivers of horror at this point] that they'll even rid the country of those Russian Nazis who have infiltrated the country and its armed forces.  All because they in their ignorance think that the Jews are like they imagine them to be from their Bible and therefore will build a Theocracy.  The Jewish liberal leaders need not inform them until afterwards that Judaism has always been 100% democratic and progressive and that only chr*stians want to rebuild the Beit HaMiqdash.

Anyway, after the naive fools have been used to clear the way Jewish liberals will be free to reconstruct on the Holy--er, Socially Just Land precisely the fulfillment of the "true" Jewish tradition they claim to represent.  They can begin by bulldozing Har HaBayit, focal point of fascist chr*stian fantasy, so that the horrid spectre of Theocracy, so alien to Jewish history, will never again raise its ugly head.  They can also quickly dispatch any red heifer that invonveniently happens to be born, also fueling strictly anti-Semitic chr*stian eschatological fantasy (since Judaism's only eschaton is J*suit Father Teilhard de Chardin's "omega point").  And to demonstrate how "tolerant" and "pluralist" true Judaism actually is (as opposed to the bloodhirsty intolerance of chr*stianity, based in part on its flawed and literal interpretation of Seifer Yehoshu`a) liberal Jews can invite every Arab in the middle east to come to this wonderful secular democracy (the fulfillment of every dream Shimshon Ben Manoach and `Ezra' HaSofer ever had) where they will be given equal rights (Jews can't have any of that disgusting "redneck" nationalism) and their Third World rage pampered and given every blessing.  Dey will ewen be able to, 'ow you say, make de Arab socialist rewolution.  The only thing standing in the way of this utopian realization of "the true liberal Jewish heritage" is the recalcitrant Arabs who are now slaughtering their Jewish fellow citizens of the world but whom Jews cannot deal with without acting like "rednecks."  What a dilemma.

It is true that the "pro-Israel" Fundamentalists, with their naive association of the Jewish people with the bloodthirsty "old testament" G-d and His moral code, are an unsavory lot, totally unworthy the children of the great  anti-Theocrat and gay rights activist Mosheh Ben `Amram.  It is true that liberal Jews do not like being associated with anything in the TaNa"KH aside from a few pesuqim about "justice" ripped out of context.  It is true that liberal Jews do not know where "silly crackers" ever got their association of the liberal city of Jerusalem with anything so irrational and pre-modern as animal sacrifices.  But if such people refuse to be swayed by all the attacks on them and ridicule of their beliefs which they have heard from liberal Jews in the name of the "true Jewish heritage"--if these idiots are going to persist in looking at today's Jews and seeing their imaginary and totally unhistorical images of conquering Jewish armies waving about swords stained red with the blood of pagan enemies--then why not make the most of it?

Don't worry.  When it's all over liberal Jews can resume thumbing their noses at them and tell them to take their irrational Book of Joshua and their religious fantasies and get lost while these great leaders proceed to show the world what the "true Jewish heritage" is all about.

The resurrected dead of `Am Yisra'el would be proud of their liberal children--were not such a supernatural event a primitive "chr*stian" fantasy totally at odds with the ancient naturalism and skepticism of the "true" Jewish heritage.  After all, Shelomoh HaMelekh didn't win all those Nobel Prizes for nothing.

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